Changes: Dreams to Reality
It's a bit early to say this, but I've been beginning to face the prospect of making one's dreams come true. Dreams that one never thought they had, and constantly let go of even before we were born. It's in the turmoil that I doubted many things about myself, and almost doubted that even my life would be worth something. It's slow to come out of, but I'm beginning to truly feel how important life is to live, and not to throw away.
To throw away like dreams -- before we were born.
I painted a picture @ Friday, April 13, 2007 (09:14 p.m.)
Thoughts: Goals and Grasping
Because it's more of my nature to distract myself when having a problem than run away (it's hard for me to explain the difference, although everyone does both), addictions and grasping goals (obsessions) have been an integral part of my road. It's through those distractions that usually helped me face what it is that I was going through... and I relied on them heavily to do that. It took a while before I caught the heavy hint that these things are not exactly what I am ultimately looking for, but they will put me in a situation where I will have the impulse to change.
My first (and still very strong) obsession was Japanese language and Japan. Probably no other thing has caused me so much tears of pain and frustration, as well as cost so much without equally seeming payback. But in fact, I gained many things from this. The courage to take charge of my own interests, the ability to be myself as myself without comparing, and the incentive to learn just about everything I can.
Originally I thought I would be a translator, but eventually that that's like me going through graduate school -- somewhat unlikely, but possible. However, the goal was important for me for many things, evean as I feel misgivings about how terrible I am about getting things done and keeping in touch.
For some reason, I never thought I would be really happy in Japan. Excited and wide-eyed, but maybe not happy. I always had the image that I would be looking out over the railing of a small apartment hearing the noise of the not-so-clean city. Alone, because I knew for a fact that I don't make friends easily and speech is harder for me than writing. And yet, I still wanted it more than anything... but somehow found things that prevented me from reaching it.
My other addiction is reading stories. The emotions featured in them would help me to learn about myself or understand something about the world in a way that I couldn't grasp. And sometimes, it would just help with those times I felt like I needed to experience what love was. At least, that's what it was like more recently. When I first started, reading was an addiction and I didn't know why and I couldn't drop it. I also felt no incentive to do so, because as much as I lost sleep over reading, there were a lot worse things then to lose sleep over.
Not one to put things to waste, I oftentimes combined my addictions or used them whenever possible. I never counted writing as an addiction, but it has been something I've needed for all of my high school and adult life. Then again, time to reflect, think, stabilize myself, and solve my problems were things that I would screw anything over to get done. I walked arond town, seeing new sights. I spent hours watching the cars drive past or watching the sky change colors. I did many things because I felt like I had to. Or because I felt I was unable to.
It's because of this that I cannot feel against the idea of chasing after dreams as a way to achieve something for yourself. However, I would emphasize that keeping an open mind is perhaps incredibly important, and not simply having to have things one's way, because the road to what one is looking for will come by you many times while you are not looking for it. Throughout this, I think it's natural that one change both their mind about their goal and the method to get there, but ultimately, it will be as if nothing had changed at all. Which can be a good or a bad thing, depending on what it is that you were looking for in the first place.
As of now, I can only wonder what my ultimate goal was, as a person. What is it that these things brought me to? Where are they trying to lead me to follow? After all, I do have to walk without crutches sometime in my life. I am not so sure, however, that I will ever stop these things completely, like a habit to be kicked.
I painted a picture @ Friday, February 16, 2007 (01:44 a.m.)
Template: The First Morning I Have Ever Seen
After a lot of messing with things that I haven't touched in ages such as extensive Paint Shop Pro work or Photobucket, and even MORE messing with the actual text itself, I finally got a new template up to replace the old. And a pretty fancy one it is. Usually I favor readability over everything else, but not so this time.
Just about every template I make carries a feeling with it. This one... I'm not sure if I can explain it too well. The theme for this is the fact that these two years (and who knows how many years after this) will be relatively unwritten here, unless something happens. And yet... when I think about the past, the present, and the future, I can only think -- this is what I dreamt of. This is what I wanted to wake up to when I went to sleep or didn't sleep at all. This is the beginning that I wanted to see.
I don't feel alone, I feel there's an answer, and I feel like I can express my love of people somehow, despite everything that's happened and will happen. I feel that the road is long and hard, but everyone has hope. No matter what. It's not about deserving things, but what you do on the search to be happy, good, and true.
I painted a picture @ Thursday, February 15, 2007 (11:29 p.m.)
Ambition: To Expand Further, To Explore
Four months and one week later, a new horizon seems to span before me. I've been thinking about whether I should make a new Pitas template... or simply reuse an old one. This one no longer works with what I have... and quite frankly, is over two years old.
When I think of the past two years, how much have I changed? In the past several weeks, let alone two years, I feel like I've changed a lot. I've been learning of the meaning of stability, reassurance, difficulties, and peace made when connecting with people, and I've been learning a lot about the past and the future. There are many things that I find myself in confusion about, but I desire to see them through.
Yeah... maybe I'll do so. I'll work on it now. I have time right now.
I painted a picture @ Thursday, February 15, 2007 (08:13 p.m.)
Reflections and Memories: True Forgiveness
It's been over a year, over nine months, and over minutes ago. What can I say about what I'm doing now? What can I say about where I am now? Where have I gone? Where have I been? How far have I gone... and how much have the rules changed that I cannot even describe anymore?
In many ways I'm still the same person. In many ways I find myself full of hypocricy and hurt feelings. In many ways it seems like I had never been born... and I struggle to find my place in a life full of the dead. In many ways, I wonder if I will ever be truly alive.
It's not the same anymore and things are slowly starting to change. I can speak... and I can face without resentment. I can learn... and I can care. I'm beginning to learn the real meaning of forgiveness. To myself, to others... to guilt... from grudge to understanding. I'm beginning to wish, to love, to hope... to believe... and to have something stronger than that: faith.
I want to be better than yesterday, more than tomorrow... and I want to help all that I know... because I can. Because I will. Because... I love.
I wanted to also make another template. I haven't made one in so long that I'd be thrilled to... except that I don't have the manga to do it. I'll have to wait until I archive this one again anyway. I want my next one to be black and white.
I painted a picture @ Sunday, October 8, 2006 (09:35 a.m.)
Thoughts: Precasuality
What I wanted to say with all the strength of my soul... I'm not sure if it ever reached anyone, as I haven't ever heard the sound of their hearts, over my own deafness. Perhaps reassurance is enough to know that my existence and troublesome actions are not in vain.
But more than that, I want to tell people the power of the human heart... the power of connection. The power it has to keep us together, keep us going when we feel there is no hope left, and allow us to help each other, simply because we can. The power it has to transcend belief, understanding, fear, hate, anger, and even misunderstanding.
Still, all things tested to their limits will break. Contracts, the human word, belief, and even disbelief. Scientific theory and application, society, and even the barriers of one's mind. All these things require a level of connection to function... because they would have never have formed without them.
Of course, these are general statements and are not specifically reflecting any person's circumstances. To interpret them in the case of the individual, certain measures are required.
I painted a picture @ Tuesday, January 3, 2006 (12:55 a.m.)
New Beginnings: The Next Stage
It's been forever. And I'm not even sure how long I'd keep up with this journal, since I post on my LJ quite often. I guess since Pitas are forever, so to speak, I'll use this to put up memorable posts or something. I'll have to think about it. Maybe dedications and well-wishes.
Currently, I'm using my Xanga as a photopost, although I'm barely touching it. Blogger is now currently my "thinking" blog, where I put up stuff that I think of and fade (erase) after a while. And LJ is what I use the most for my social aspects, because it allows people to keep in touch... although I'm not very in touch with everyone now, I'd still like to wish everyone the best.
Even if you think you don't deserve it...
Previous I painted a picture @ Friday, May 27, 2005 (11:51 a.m.)
